Puzzles

We have a shoot in the Blue Mountains. There’s a moment where I’m not shooting, where I’m watching Bee put my lens back into my camera bag and I am struck down with gratitude. He didn’t have to come on this tour with me; to drive ridiculous hours, spend his free time doing my selects and running around after me on every shoot. But he does without a single shade of complaint or expectation. It is who he is.

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Coming Home

I grow tired of feeling so much. Maybe it seems poetic in retrospect but in the moment it’s just ugly and exhausting. So much frustration lies in the senselessness of my sadness.

But luckily, as effortlessly as rain clearing, the darkness lifts. Suddenly life is full of promise again and the shadows feel so far away. How easy it is to forget they were ever there.

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Waking in New Cities

I get to the venue as Klara and Johanna are doing soundcheck. They are real and I am here. Klara catches my eye and grins. I go backstage and meet their mama and brother but everything is a haze and I can’t keep my eyes open so I nap.

That night I try to photograph them playing but I realise it’s not what I need to capture. I need to capture the things others don’t see. The connection of sisterhood, what happens off stage and life on the road.

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Playing Mama

My baseline every day is joy. I wake up to the sun shining and Alba sleeping beside me. I think of the love in my life. I'm not as afraid as I was and Bee is never entirely gone. I carry him close in the love that fills me, the love that is his and is him. Every night that comes, my last thought is not of wanting him but of being glad to have him.

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Together

On the sand I trace the water droplets on his skin, connecting them together like a dot-to-dot. We watch little girls playing in the water and talk about how much we miss Alba. We ride our bikes to get dinner and while we're watching the sun go down I tell Bee I want to cry and when he asks why I say "I never want this day to end". Fireworks mark our last night on the island.

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The Bee & The Firefly

I keep going outside to stand with my bare feet on the cold wet grass and look up at the moon. I feel as though I’m rolling through my life like it's a big hill and when I look at the moon up there in the sky, so bright and solid and steady, it stops me from rolling for a minute. It holds me still.

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The Love That Heals

So often it's the unexpected beauty that hits me the hardest. Like watching a black bird lift its wings to take flight and seeing the brightest red feathers flash beneath them, or seeing a single flower growing amongst tangles of weeds, or glancing up at a glittering night sky in the middle of nowhere after months of blank city skies.

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Temporary

I ride on the back of his bike through the big city. I see it all like I am seeing it for the first time. Skyscrapers reaching the stars, bright lights blurring into a haze all around me, a thousand faces with a thousand stories I'll never know.

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Rhythms

I never really know when or where our paths will next cross and so I cherish every day with her. One day we walk for over an hour to one of my favourite beaches. A big surf competition is on across the shore and we take turns carrying Alba. We stop at a cafe overlooking the sea, drink coconuts and life feels perfect (but if I'm truly honest, not quite because I think of him and how I'd love him here and oh, I wish I didn't still think of him every day, I wish I could just forget him).

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